1. Summit

    Babylon 5. The famed space station played host to a summit between two species today: the Pak’ma’ra and the Cardassians. To try and resolve their differences.

    The Cardassians, recently discovered through a Roddenberryan anomaly in Pak’ma’ra space, had made no attempts to hide their contempt of the Pak’ma’ra during the now infamous First Contact incident. 

    In that incident The Pak’ma’ra envoy, both a master vocalist and renowned pornography king, the James Deen of the Pak’ma’ra as he’s been called by porn historians, had made several key mistakes as his attempts to seduce his Cardassian counterpart led him to be served at dinner. It had not been known at the time that the Pak’ma’ra had been biologically compatible with the Cardassians in only one way: food. Negotiations soon broke down and open hostilities quickly followed.

    The summit today was an attempt to return to pre-anomaly borders. However it appears the Cardassians did not come in good faith as their delegation was preceded by crates of Yamok Sauce. Several of the Pak’ma’ra delegates have already disappeared.

    Interstellar Alliance President Sheridan has threatened retaliation and there has been no response from Gul Macet.

    More on this as the situation develops. 

  2. Alien Fashion


    A new Earth-inspired fashion trend is spreading to the worlds of the Narn Regime. It is not uncommon these days to see masked Narns walking the streets of their capital city with huge utility shells strapped on their back. Back here on Earth, these fashionable Narns are mostly transient and have been found roaming the sewers, typically emerging only for pizza and skateboarding.

    Artist’s Impression:



    He’s so great and sweeeeet.

    In the news today, nothing bad happened because we have Clark as President, and if anything bad happened it was probably those alien humpers on Babylon 5’s fault!

    No starvation at all on the colonies, no one is unhappy on Mars and everything sucks outside of Earth’s sphere of influence.

    All is well thanks to our well-seasoned yet virile leader!

  4. ISN After Dark

  5. We break net live for a ceremony in progress in Geneva

    Gwen: We’re on the ground here at EarthGov’s Grand Plaza where an improptu ceremony is underway.
    Bucky: And who is this ceremony for Gwen?
    Gwen: Bucky, incredible as it sounds it’s for former EarthForce Captain Michael Jankowski, the infamous Prometheus commander who set us on a path to war with the Minbari.
    Bucky: And prior to that of the Omega Incident fame.
    Gwen: Well now Bucky, Captain Jankowski was cleared of all charges in that incident.
    Bucky: True but there are always people that will wonder. Still I suppose that pales to bringing Earth to near defeat. But who organized this ceremony, Gwen?
    Gwen: This ceremony is being held at the behest of the Vorlon ambassador. We can hardly say no to Kosh. Here comes Jankowski now.
    Bucky: The crowd is oddly silent, there’s no applause but neither is anyone booing or catcalling.
    Gwen: And the crowd is a good mixture of Human and Minbari.
    Bucky: Most bizarre.
    Gwen: Jankowski is in full military dress uniform and despite being a drunk and homeless man for some years now there’s a crispness to his step.
    Bucky: And here’s Ambassador Kosh, and some shorter, almost hunchback alien, I believe he may be one of the natives of Epsilon 3.
    Gwen: Zathras.
    Bucky: Yes Zathras, he’s holding something…yes it appears to be a large bucket.
    Gwen: There are now two EarthForce security officers holding Jankowski in place.
    Bucky: Zathras has just dumped the contents of the bucket onto Jankowski’s head. It appears to be a bucket full of medals. Can we zoom in those.
    Gwen: They all seem to read…”Dumbest Pet in Show.” I don’t know how Jankowski is maintaining a stoic pose through all of this.
    Bucky: Zathras has been handed a second bucket now and dumped it on Jankowski’s head. These are different.
    Gwen: I’m being told these are all medals awarded posthumously to those who died during the Earth-Minbari war. Jankowski has now collapsed into a sobbing fit.
    Kosh: It is done.

  6. Coming up today on Cooking with Peyote, we have a special guest: Zathras!

    Zathras: Zathras couldn’t make it today, but no worries, Zathras here is a very skilled chef and learned from the best.

    Peyote: But, aren`t you Zathras?

    Zathras: *sigh* Zathras will no go through with this, again. Every time Zathras explains, and no one listens. Do you want to get the recipe or no?

    Peyote: Of course, of course, now what are you making for us today?

    Zathras: Varn Jerky!

    Peyote: I see, and is Varn some delicacy from your home planet?

    Zathras: Yes, yes. In a sense. He was the tenant of the Great Machine on Epsilon 3, Home of Zathras. Since the Great Machine has a new component, Varn wasn`t needed. So Varn Jerky. I also make Varn Soufflé, Varn Ribs and Varn Tongue!

    Peyote: We’ll be right back.

  7. …meanwhile, move over goth girls a new trend is once again sweeping Earth’s telepath community. That’s right in the “Shadow Eyes” craze is just the latest thing teenybopper telepaths are sporting these days, jets of obsidian gray covering their entire eyeball. But what do parents think of this craze? We asked this one Psi-Corp family:

    Well the eyes were a bit disconcerting, but when I asked her whether she’d prepped for her finals she screeched at me with an ear-splitting wail and I knew everything was back to normal.

    - Ho-ho Jan I don’t know about you but that last segment made me cry tears of blood.

    - It’s not just you Bill…

  8. ISN Mars Bureau

    With our sister station on earth undergoing routine…duct purging, ISN Mars is pleased to announce a breathtaking look at exciting new programs coming to this once third -tier broadcast station:

    Monday Evenings, get ready for hard hitting questions to the President’s Administration with Questions Clark told us to Ask or He’d Kill Us.

    Tuesday Evenings we go in depth at the craaazy dudes that run that alien infested, parasite-ridden, minbari-humping station staff with: Babylon 5: those alien-***ckers. 

    Wednesdays are pledge drive days at this station and goes to the Help Clark Feed the poor Proxima Colonies that are Starving Because they don’t See the Glorious Vision of our Anointed Leader. followed by 50 ways to make rat stew palatable.

    Thursdays we look at the life inside the Nightwatch and what it takes to bring down Earth’s Enemies.

    Fridays is All My Circuits! Followed by Spider Man, the man who donned a giant spider ship and didn’t go on a rampage!

    Saturday We do a round panel discussion on why Life on Earth and Mars are so great with Clark and what we can do to serve Him better.

    Sunday is our nondenominational religious programming, whether it be Jesus Clark, Clark Buddha, Q-Clark or Miscellaneous. 

    Boy it’s good to be chosen to broadcast this exciting programming, one can only hope it keeps us from having voluntary skylight enhancements by armed…carpenters.

  9. We interrupt ISN Sunday Edition to bring you a special program

    Live from Earth’s L5 point. This. Is. Minbari IDOL!

    I’m your host Kosh Seacrest! I believe you know our judges, first we have Simon Coplann!

    - Everything is just terrible this week.

    Yes. As always we have the lovely Delenn Abdul.

    - KILL THEM ALL! No wait maybe we should give someone a chance. KILL THEM!

    Yes. Saner than last week I see. And finally we have Neroon Jackson.

    - Yo Dawg I’m still reeling from last week’ killa performance honouring the Black Star’s cowardly destruction yo!

    Yes. Before we kick off tonight’s first performance with Jeff Sinclair’s version of “Walk the Line” I’m saddened to announce that Warren Keffer could not reconcile his difference with his Shadow tutor and has since been let go from the show.


  10. Vandals caught!

    Earthforce was please to announce they found the vandals that did untold damage to Earthforce One. Cleaning crews are still busy removing all the graffiti in President Santiago’s office aboard the spacecraft which included crude drawings of anatomically correct Centauris’ doing untold things to the president and threatening language like “Counting down to lo Mr Prez” undoubtedly referring to Santiago’s injury to his gleuteus maximus during the Earth-Minbari war.

    The suspects, all wearing vintage “Nixon” masks have been identified by Vice President Clark, the sole witness to the vandals act’s and their identities are being kept confidential for the moment.